apologies

The Bishop and the Singer

After seeing headlines all weekend saying “Bishop Apologizes for touching Ariana Grande,” I watched the video. 

I am angry.

I am frustrated.

There are a number of things this brought up for me…

1) The bishop’s behaviour was completely inappropriate. To watch a person treated that way by a someone claiming* to represent God…how does that not make you angry? How does that not make you grieve? (I am not calling into questions this person’s faith. I don’t know them. But in this incident, they did not act Christ-like…they did not demonstrate love for their neighbor.)

2) What struck me most in the video though was something I have seen and encountered in far too many…the attitude too many religious leaders project that says, “I am the most important person in the room.” I can do and say whatever I want because of who I am. People are constantly telling me how wonderful I am. I’ve even started to believe it! And, because the people around me do not hold me to account. They excuse my bad behavior and again tell me how wonderful I am! It is why you make fun of someone’s name in public. It is why when you issue a lame apology (see number 4) you continue to make assumptions about their ethnicity. It is the same type of thing that allowed Paige Patterson to behave the way he did for so long before finally being called to account. Humility is sadly lacking in a lot of what passes for Christian leadership.

3) One of my daughters said, “this is why people my age drop out of church.” It isn’t that we need better worship or messages, or some other type of new program to reach millennials. They see stuff like this and think “why would I ever go to church?”

4) If you use words like: If… or Maybe…or But, it is not an apology. If I did something to hurt you, I apologize.” That s not an apology. I once had someone tell me, “I’m sorry for whatever you think it is I did to you.” That wasn’t an apology either.  I guess I could write a how to apologize  post, but in meantime, if you don’t know how to apologize without using words like if, maybe or but, perhaps you could just google, “how to make a real apology.”

There are some other things I’m working through as I think about this. But those are my top of mind thoughts. And after getting them out…I’m still frustrated.

 

(the image above is one of the Celtic High Crosses at Monasterboice)

Posted by bob in stuff in my head

Pranks & Hijinks

 

IStock 000014349268XSmall

I remember years ago reading an interview with George Will (at least I think it was George Will) where he was asked how he came up with columns on a regular basis. His response, to paraphrase was, if you can’t find 3 things that make you angry every week, you are not paying attention. 


Now, there are a couple things I have generally tried to avoid in this space…politics, and venting when I’m angry. Well, last night I read an article online, about Mitt Romney, and it made me angry.


First off, full disclosure…I have three school age daughters. One of them was sexually harassed by other students in her 6th grade class while attending a local religious school. It took a lawyer making a phone call to the principal before the issue was addressed.


Another daughter was physically attacked by student at one of the Ithaca middle schools (our daughter was not her first victim). The case went through family court, involved orders of protection, and eventually led to us moving out of Ithaca to get our kids in a different school district.


So, bullying in school is a bit of a touchy subject for me.  And it seems, according to almost anyone paying attention, it is becoming, especially now that cyber-bullying has been added to the mix, a problem that is becoming more and more out of control.


That was why Romney’s “apology” for his actions in prep school seemed so completely tone deaf. If you have not read the story yet, he and some friends pinned down another student and cut off his hair. Romney’s response was that he at times engaged in “pranks and hijinks” and sometimes they went too far. Put your politics aside for a minute, and picture 5 people doing that to your kid or grand kid. Listening to them cry and scream in fear.  Are you thinking “boys will be boys” or assault?


Now, most of us I’m sure have said and done things that we deeply regret. And what a person did in 1965 as a teenager…how much does that have to do with whether or not they are qualified to be president? Probably not too much. 


Of course, for Romney, the issue is complicated, first by the fact he is running for president, and second by the fact that the person he attacked was gay.  But I would have loved to see him take ownership of what he did regardless of the political fallout. Don’t qualify your statements with ifs. “if I did it…” Don’t wait for the pollsters to figure out what we want to hear you say on the topic. If you regret what you’ve done, and your actions have eaten at you for years, tell us that (your friends who remember the incident vividly admit it has bothered them)…we are pretty forgiving. And if you really don’t think what you did was a big deal, don’t say, you don’t remember the incident.

Real leadership is about looking out for, not taking advantage of those weaker. It is about taking responsibility when we act in ways that hurt others.

Posted by bob in Leadership